They pay us the lovely money, so we can’t be too mean about them—but sometimes they make us want to saw our heads off.
Here is our list of the most common, idiotic, and maddening client comments we hear—and how we would LOVE to answer them—if only they didn’t pay us the lovely money.
1. “We really need this to make.” Oh, OK. Thanks for telling us, because before you mentioned it, we weren’t planning on trying very hard.
2. ‘”Which papers are going to use the story?” Um—whichever papers decide it’s OK and that they’ll use it.
3. “Do you know what the news agenda is like for June?” Hang on a second. *Looks into crystal ball for updates on future murders, natural disasters, etc.*
4. “Sorry, but the release can’t be sent unless the brand name is in the intro paragraph” OK, fine, let’s get absolutely no coverage for you whatsoever. Not any. Not even a sun spot.
5. “Do you guarantee coverage?” Um, no. If you want guaranteed coverage, pay for an advert.
6. “Can you give me a reason why the story didn’t make?” Not unless I call every national news desk in the country and ask them directly, which will make us both look like complete tools.
7. “How many papers will the story make it into?“ Hang on a second. *Looks into crystal ball for updates on future murders, natural disasters, etc.*
8. “It’s what the brand people want; the story has to stay like that.” Grow a pair and tell them it’s crap, and then do your job by telling them how it’s actually going to work.
9. “Can we send the journalist a free gift to coincide with the story being distributed?” Are you insane?
10. “Can you send this picture of the product out along with the story?” Are you completely insane?
11. We need more information in the story about where you can buy the product. Have you lost every single one of your marbles?
12. “We need to make sure we get page leads with this one.” Oh, OK. Could you just hand me that silver wand?
13. At 4p.m.: “Are you able to send this story out to the nationals today?” Are you in an entirely different time zone?
Harriet Crosse is the group sales and marketing direct at 72 Point and OnePoll.com in Great Britain. A version of this story first appeared on 72 Point Blog.